Serendipitous Life

pictures and late night tv

2010-03-19T00:55:00.000-07:00

So i LOVE LOVE LOVE my camera, and every day I'm learning new things, new tricks to try, and coming up with new compositions, colors etc. ....... But.......... I have SO many pictures!!! And what do I do with them all. I have such a hard time deleting any, I'm pretty sure I need to just break down and do it! Start going through and tossing the ones that aren't any good.... thoughts?

As for the late night tv... well i'm home alone, I'm in Portland in a house that has so many new things (great job mom!) that it almost doesn't look like my home :) But i like it! Anyhow, my sleep schedule is messed up so I ended up staying up late, getting pics off my camera, and watching late night tv.

So, my friend Mindy who has a blog http://giftedwithlove.blogspot.com and in it she mentioned the group Pomplamoose. I listed to them and loved it!!! Thanks min!

in the name of jesus

2010-03-16T22:10:00.000-07:00

I believe in Jesus and I believe in miracles, but today I experienced something that made me giggle. A patient was in the hospital and a family member was right next to the bed, commanding in a southern accent...
"i command your body to fix itself.... in the name of jesus"
"I command the blood to go back where it is supposed to go... in the name of jesus"
reading this, it doesn't appear nearly as humerous as it sounded, and i know it was heartfelt and I shouldn't laugh, but it was just a great stress reliever and I thought i'd share :)

g'nite all

Why I love my job!

2010-03-02T22:12:00.000-08:00

Wow, I just realized how long it has been since i've blogged anything. I don't know if this will become more of a regular occurance or not, but I've had a couple experiences lately that I've wanted to share, so... why not. :)

Is most of you probably know, I am now a nurse, I work in an Emergency Room. I had an amazing experience yesterday that I can't tell a lot of details about, but I wanted to share. There was an accident that came in. A surgeon who was in the room at the time called me over. He explained, "come here, you need to learn this so that you can do it next time." I went over and saw that he had done a thoracotomy, which simply means that he cut a hole into the patient's thoracic cavity. He showed me how he had been doing internal CPR, which means that instead of doing chest compressions, he had his hand inside the patient's chest and was physically squeezing the patient's heart to move blood throughout the body. He had me stick my hand inside and I got to hold the patient's heart in my hand. The doctor had me explore inside a little, I felt the diaphragm, the lungs, and the heart. It was surreal. I was holding a heart in my hand! It felt just like I imagined a heart would feel, and it was very hard for me to actually stick my hand in at first. It just felt like I shouldn't be allowed to do something like that! But, I feel very blessed to be at a hospital where all the staff seem to advocate teaching so much!

More adventures later :)

Home

2008-12-13T21:23:00.000-08:00

Is this the whole picture?

Or is this just the start?

Is this the way you love me?

You're capturing my heart.

I used to try and walk alone

But I've begun to grow

And when you tell me just to rest

I'm finally letting go. I let go.

And I'm here to stay

Nothing can separate us.

And I know I'm ok

You cradle me gently

Wrapped in your arms

I'm home.

I'm seeing so much clearer

Looking through your eyes

I could never find a safer place

Even if I tried

All the times I've needed you

You've never left my side

I'm clinging to your every word

Don't ever let me go

Don't let me go

And i'm here to stay

Nothing can separate us.

And I know, I'm ok

You cradle me gently

Wrapped in your arms I'm home.

By Fireflight

So, I've started working out to christian music. I figure that it is better to have amazing words pounded into my head as I agonize away on the treadmill, plus it gives me a chance to be continually reminded to talk to my savior. I have really started enjoying my time to just keep a rhythm and talk to God. Today as I ran, I came across this song, and it totally spoke to my heart. I hope you get something from it too. If you haven't listened to the band fireflight, check them out, they have some incredible things to say.

God Bless

motivation... inspiration...

2008-10-16T23:03:00.000-07:00

something, i just need something. maybe i just need a good kick in the ass.

just because i think it's important

2008-09-16T22:08:00.000-07:00

books on tape

2008-09-07T15:00:00.001-07:00

these are my savior for the time being. i've been listening to lots of book on tape. i really need to find something more productive to do with my time. wish me luck.

annoyed

2008-09-05T17:53:00.000-07:00

Annoyed. I am. I am annoyed. And i don't know what to do about it. Maybe I do know what to do, but I just don't want to. Maybe I'm scared. Maybe I just want it to smooth over.

lonely

2008-09-04T20:53:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have those days where you just feel like your theme song is "One is the loneliest number"? This really shouldn't be one of those days. I have family, friends, a boyfriend... so many people that care about me. Maybe it's just more of a melancholy day. It's one of those days where I feel like sitting with my iPod in, ignoring the world. Listening to emotion charged music and pouring my heart onto the page in the form of paint, or very stark ink. Maybe a mix of both to represent the mellow and intense feelings coursing through my brain.

I miss my friends. Both of my bestest of bests are gone at the moment. One has been in Thailand with her husband since January. She sent me an e-mail today that made me belly-laugh. It was good! But, still hard missing her. She is my soul sister that understands instinctively the mood that I am in without me having to put it all in words, which is most often impossible. My other soul sister is chasing love (finally) in Argentina. Looking back at the cynical soul she used to be, I never imagined her flying to the southern hemisphere of our globe to try and keep her flame kindled. She fell in love with the impossible and is somehow making it work. How I envy her stamina.

My boyfriend is living in colorado. He goes to the university three hours from here, but since school isn't going at the moment he is home. I don't know how she has done it, keeping love going from Oregon to Argentina. Colorado is difficult enough. Just wanting to be able to see him, give him a hug. Being in a relationship again is such a strange feeling. I'm loving it, but it is just weird to have someone again. But there are so many new aspects to this relationship, the distance, the slow pace (a good thing!), the ages. So much to learn. Pray that I have patience. I can imagine this being amazing. I think it is going to push me though. Push me to relax, go with the flow, and yet at the same time hold myself back, waiting for the right timing. Gosh I don't even know what the hell I'm saying. I guess I ramble in hopes of making a coherent line of all the thoughts jumbled in my brain.

It is has been forever. Sorry. I have learned to not promise one soon. It might not happen, but in the mean time...

Enjoy every day, it's a gift. Experience the spice that each day holds if you take the time to slow down and find the unique experience it holds.

long time no write...

2008-04-28T08:29:00.000-07:00

Sorry it has been a while guys... I've actually not been busy with school which is why I think I haven't written in so long! I'm in a really weird quarter in school this time around. I only have three classes, one of which is online, and then one is a bible class, and the other is family class. Family is the easiest nursing class I've ever taken. Bible is also very easy, not much to do with it, and the online class is a topic class on Thailand, and while very easy is VERY frustrating b/c I've had so many problems trying to get all my stuff online to work, it's being finicky!! But to give the short point to the many descriptions... I don't have much homework! At first I didn't know what to do with myself, and now I've started to find things.... sewing, cooking, reading, sleeping, exercising, trying new recipes, making new ones, etc. In short, doing all the things that I haven't had time for all year! It's been great.

I've also picked up a couple of new jobs. The first is that I've been given the amazing opportunity to tutor my sister! We've been having a lot of fun and I think that it has been helping a lot! We work on A&P, History, Spanish, and anything else she needs help with. It's been a lot of fun! It guarantees that we get to see each other on a regular basis!

I still have my job at the hospital which is going well. I hate working every Sunday b/c it ruins my saturday nights but that is pretty much my only complaint. It's not so hard to get up anymore b/c I've been getting up at six on a regular basis, going to bed at ten almost every night. It makes early mornings not so hard. Plus, I have to get up early so many days of the week, that trying to sleep in isn't even worth it.

I've also picked up two side jobs for people at the church, helping a lady get a shower twice a week, and on some nights I go and sit for a lady so that her caretakers can go to dinner or a movie or a play or something. Both of them very easy, but both rewarding.

For clinicals this quarter I'm going to two separate hospitals. I work at Adventist for Labor and Delivery, and for Pediatrics I'm going to Legacy Emmanuel downtown. I REALLY enjoy working with Peds. I enjoy L&D ok. It's fun getting to see mom's and excitement over brand new life, but I've really enjoyed working with the sick kids, it's so sad, but it is so rewarding and very inspiring to see how tough they are.

Lastly, I have applied for an internship this summer through the VALOR program at the VA Hospital downtown. I applied to work as an ICU nurse for the summer. It's a program where I would be working as a student nurse under a preceptor, over the summer for 400 hours. All in all a very busy summer, especially since I'm still attempting to make it over to Thailand. But the awesome part about it all is that I get 80% nurses wages and if I finish out the summer I have the option to work for 400 hours during next school year as well. Good money, great looking on a resume... a wonderful opportunity. I should get a phone call sometime next week for an interview!! Wish me luck! They accept four students, and they only had eight apply so I have a descent chance!!

Well my friends, I think I shall go for now. More later. Feel free to write, say hello, leave me comments. Love you all

xoxo

The Shack

2008-03-13T22:38:00.001-07:00

boredom is the mother of huge new ideas

2008-03-13T22:26:00.000-07:00

So, i've been doing lots of thinking lately. It's dead week and weirdly enough I don't have much to do.

I got done with my two research papers and realized I only had one final to study for. This was bad.

At least right now, b/c I've learned that when I have big things on my mind, the worst thing I could have is lots of free time. But, I do believe some good things have come from it.

Good Thing Number One: So i've actually been thinking of this one for some time now, but... when I graduate from nursing school, and God willing I pass my boards, I am going to move to Argentina. Well that is if i can find a job down there. But my soul sista and I are planning on heading down to the spanish land of wonder to pursue some dreams of learning and teaching and living. So many things could stop me from going, but I'm hoping and praying that God finds me a way to get there. Keep it in your prayers ok?

Good Thing Number Two: I finally got my packet for the Thailand mission trip, telling me details, dates, things I need to know, and LOTS of paperwork to fill out. But it is the first step in actually making it to this new country i'm dying to explore! But, I have realized there might be a small hiccup in my plans... I wanted to go see Summer and Michael for a bit after I was done with the mission trip. I really want to do that still but... (which brings me to)

Good Thing Number Three: I found an internship that I am applying for!!! I would be working as a student nurse in the ICU/ER for 400 hours during the summer, I would be a nurse, not a CNA, and I would be getting 80% nurses wages!!! How much would that freaking rock! I would make bank and have an awesome internship to put on my resume. But the problem lies in not giving me extra time to visit family in Thailand. I can work the 400 hours however I want to, but to fit in the three week mission trip and traveling for a while, I'd have to put in like 80 hour weeks... we'll see if I can wing it! I just have to figure out all the details. But I've been working on my resume and all the application paperwork for the internship, so wish me luck, most of all, pray for me please!

Good Thing Number Four: Umm, I read a phenomenal book. The Shack - by William P. Young. Read it. Just do it.

So, i think that pretty much sums up most of the major things in my life at the moment. I can always use more prayers. And know that I'm praying for you as well.

Love and kisses to all

when it rains it pours...

2008-02-17T20:26:00.000-08:00

it' been a while, sorry about that...

i thought that it was probably time to fill you in on a little bit of my life. so last monday or so my external hard drive decided that it was tired of life... so it died, along with all my pictures, music, papers, poems, and just about everything else. So i was freaking out, wondering how i was going to pay to get that fixed. Then, on wednesday my cat got into my room and knocked over a HUGE glass of water all over my computer, it fried. No longer working, not turning on at all. So i took a deep breath and looked up my credit card minimum. I am now a penniless, proud owner of a mac. But this also means that I still have to find a way to fix my hard drive. Although my cousin told me that it should be pretty easy to pull of all the information from both my external and my fried computer. Definitely one answer to my prayers. So I guess i'll be trying to pick up extra shifts at the hospital i order to pay for this expensive little mistake. I do believe that I am going to find someone else to love my kitten as well. he's a good cat, just a little to rambunctious for my little apartment. Anyone want a cat? He's fixed. Anyways.

I'm also staring to get sick... i think. I'm fighting that one for all i'm worth though. Lots of water, good sleep, no sugar, airborne, and pure spunk. Hopefully it'll work.

You know... i generally try to eat healthy, but i hate it when you get in those really snacky moods and nothing will quite cut it like that wonderfully caloric bag of doritos that is staring you in the face! I'm really trying to find some good snaky food that tastes good as well and seems to quench my "fat tooth" taste buds. Anyone have ideas? I'm always up for trying something new.

Well I'm off to keep studying for my Acute mid-term. Wish me luck.

love to you all

how to be happy

2008-02-08T08:22:00.001-08:00

Happiness comes from having a humble attitude. If you feel your need of God and trust in him, you have the kingdom of God within you.

Happiness comes from grieving when you sin. Confess your sins and you will be forgiven and peace will spring up in your soul.

Happiness comes from being submissive. When you acknowledge God as the source of life and abilities, you will feel heaven's joy!

Happiness comes from being copassionate and forgiving. People will remmeber your loving kindness and return the same to you.

Happiness comes to those with pure hearts and motives. Such people will one day have the privilege of seeing God and talking to him face to face.

Happiness comes from being a peacemaker, for such are God's children.

Happiness even comes from being treated badly for doing what's right. Just remember that no matter what happens, your place in heaven is secure.

Strangely enough, you'll find yourself blessed even when people insult you, persecute you, and lie about you because you have accepted me. When this happnes, be glad, because it shows that your name is written in heaven and that your reward will be waiting for you there.

zumba

2008-02-06T21:50:00.000-08:00

so dance classes seem to be my new method to working out... zumba, a lot of hips and shakin' it, and i just have to say, if i look that damn good when i'm the age of the instructor God will have been very nice to me. hopefully all that booty shaking and hip rolling is going to be nice to my back... we'll see!

xo i had a very nice clinical today. my nurse really pushed me. I was uncomfortable, out of my comfort zone, and freaking out. it was one of the best days yet! I really was put in a situation where i was forced to learn quickly or... well there was no or... it was just learn quickly 'cause if you don't you're screwed. it was awesome!

i had to talk on the phone with a doctor today, and when she realized that I was the student nurse she wasn't too happy, but i got everything done that she asked, and i did it well :) I'm really enjoying myself. wish me luck tomorrow.

that and luck for zumba next week is a must b/c tonight i was even more lost than my first night in hip-hop. but the zumba instructor said that you burn 700 calories per hour in the class on average... that is pretty freaking awesome!

praying for patience

2008-02-05T22:34:00.000-08:00

someday, some extremely hot guy is going to think i'm amazing. someday his world will ache to make me happy. someday.

i'll take the sugar daddy please...

2008-02-01T01:08:00.000-08:00

may i just say...

eye candy is awesome.

enough said

Hopeless Romantic

2008-01-30T20:51:00.000-08:00

So... it's true, I'm a hopeless romantic. the unfortunate part is that even when my heart is ripped out, blood still staining the ground that it was trampled on... i still find little things in the day that make my heart flutter.

New guys that aren't afraid to say that they cherish moments that they get to hold hands, and dream about someday meeting their wife - whom they already love. These things make me melt inside... and yet, i wish they wouldn't. I don't have the energy to be hurt anymore right now, and then you hear things like that and it makes you hope that there is some guy out there who will cherish you, WANT to spend time with you, look at you with the expression in his eyes that he doesn't know how he could be so lucky and that he'll never let you go. Just maybe that guy will come along and let me love him, let me show him how full and rich life can be when you have someone by your side ready to be with you through any adventure. But that boy isn't there right now, and reading hopelessly romantically written words are almost like a slap in the face. Oh well... life goes on.

Someone said they wished they hadn't been in love twice, because being in love, and then losing twice is excruciating... it's true... i can attest, although looking back I might say that I was confused once and in love once. The confused, hurt, it was bad, and i learned a lot. The love, wow, that pain is indescribable. I really miss my best friend. I miss hearing the phone ring and automatically knowing he was calling and that he loved me. I've made so many mistakes that I wish i could take back... so many. Most of them to do with the same person. How do i get so out of control of myself? Huh? It seems that at one moment I'm going along just fine, and the next, BOOM, my life is turned around, upside down, and hurting.

You know the part that pisses me off the most though... is that i'm usually not pissed, i'm hurt. I have made a lot of mistakes, but the total doesn't put every tally on my side. And when shit happens that isn't my fault and is directed at me, what do i do? I get hurt. Damnit, the actions that some other people do are plain old shitty and I shouldn't be hurt. They were terrible, i shouldn't be hurt I should be pissed. Why do i let other people walk all over me like that? Why should I just sit back and take it and cry and wish things were different. why can't i have a little self esteem, stand up for myself, and tell the bastard that he's a fucking moron and had no right to do what he did. But of course i would never have the guts to actually confront him. Plus... I would be terrified that if i did confront him i would make him mad, and if he got mad... well the hurt part of my brain says that if i make him mad, he'll never be my friend again, and i miss my friend, he was the best ever... the pissed part of me says i'm better off without that type of friend, and that a friend wouldn't do something like that.

God i hate situations like this. Well anyways... here's a poem I wrote a couple of days ago. It might make some sense...

I've always wanted to be loved
it was all i thought about
every guy was the possible one
but that made me a stranger, even to myself
always trying to mold myself into their girl
never stopping to look inside at the beauty already there
but then i realized that all I needed to do
was look up

when the snow comes down
it's a million love letters to my broken heart
each unique snowflake a different moment
a different way to say i love you
because you know better than anyone
how it can hurt to be a hopeless romantic

i need to learn to let go completely
because you want to show me how to be
the best version of the woman you created
you know what makes my heart flutter
you know the lessons i need to learn
on my own i mess things up horribly
turning what was meant to be beautiful into a car wreck
respecting myself and learning how to be whole
are only things that you can show me
and when i pull away i only break your heart
but when i look up

and when the snow comes down
it's a million love letters to my broken heart
each unique snowflake a different moment
a different way to say i love you
because you know better than anyone
how it can hurt to be a hopeless romantic

when i trust you with absolutely everything
it's scarier than any relationship i've had before
because i always wonder when this new ship
is going to sink, since they have
and having you walk out of my life would be excruciating
but you're the most faithful lover anyone
could ask for. you know every intimate thought
and exactly how to make my knees go weak

and when i look up
and the snow comes down
every sparkle in every flake
is a new perfect moment in our relationship
because you know better than anyone
exactly what to whisper in my ear
telling me that you love how i'm a
hopeless romantic

i blew out all 22

2008-01-28T23:09:00.000-08:00

it was an amazing weekend. Hopefully sometime when i'm not so tired that i feel sick, i can write about it. But in the mean time

go listen to Joshua Radin, he's awesome.

oh yeah, and maybe, just maybe i'll get up the nerve to put up my new poetry.

love

Ponderings

2008-01-25T11:05:00.000-08:00

How fun would it be to...

Speak in an Irish accent all the time
have the time to read a new book every week
be able to buy all the new cd's you wanted
be able to blink your eyes and be anywhere
be able to visit friends that you haven't seen in years, whenever you wanted to
snap your fingers and make the cat behave
meet your angel
have the time to draw and paint
know how to fix your own surger
have the time to start your own sewing business
be able to drop ten pounds at a wink
only crave healthy foods

I'll think of more later

lovelove

Perfectly Wretched Timing

2008-01-23T22:42:00.000-08:00

So i got sick. Granted I found out from my Acute instructor that this was by far the best week of clinicals for me to miss because they are so easy to make up. Bingo, perfect. But i also have to sit and wonder, how it is that people have this innate sense that just when you're feeling like shit and don't really want to talk to anyone, they call. You've finally gotten to the point where you don't think of them every second, and then they call. They just wanted to chat, so they called. Wretched timing.

learning to hate the term "gut wrenching"

2008-01-22T20:36:00.000-08:00

So, i was sick at home today, and that meant i had a lot of time on my hands...

try The Cake Sale... it's a compilation of artists from Ireland, and it's really fun to listen to.

Wish me luck on getting better. I have to be in the OR tomorrow, or at least i'm supposed to... but i don't know if my stomach will hold up under the bright lights, and great smell of the cauterized flesh...

In an attempt to become more cultured

2008-01-21T16:42:00.000-08:00

You know, i'm a complete book worm and i listen to music almost constantly, but i've come to realize that i'm not very good at venturing out and trying new things. I listen to the same music, and although I do enjoy reading a wide variety of books, I usually stick in the realm of mind candy. I have decided that I should really burst out of my shell a little more. So in an effort to do that, i'm going to try and find new bands that I like, tell you about them, and also read new books that have some value to them and tell you about them as well.

I have recently discovered a guy named Matt Nathanson, his music is very easy to listen to. It's not something that would totally make you stop in your tracks just to hear the end of the song, but it's definitely fun to listen to and you should give it a try.

Another musician that i have stumbled across is a girl named Missy Higgins. I guess some of her music has been played on Grey's Anatomy recently, so you might recognize a song or two, but i definitely think you should give it a try.

As for my literature exploration, i'm going to try and get to the library to pick up the book "Love in the time of cholera". Wish me luck!

Energized!!!

2008-01-14T21:50:00.000-08:00

Can I just say that hip-hop dance class totally rocked my socks right off! Its fun, try it some time! Hopefully after going a couple more times I won't feel like such a rag doll...

Alright, peace out!

Money, suprises, and losing your balls

2008-01-14T15:54:00.000-08:00

My poor kitten is going to undergo a procedure soon. He will no longer have some of his man parts... poor kid, he doesn't know what he's in for. have you ever looked to see how much these surgeries cost?! Holy crap, they can get really expensive!!! But the even sadder part is that if this surgery doesn't help calm him down a little we're going to have to get rid of him. He's an awesome cat, except that he is starting to tear things apart. So, keep your fingers crossed... I love my kitty!

So i got a rather interesting surprise the other night. I ended up at a house of some friends friends, and ran into an ex in a physical state that i hoped i would never find him in again. oh well, i guess we can only keep praying and hoping.

So dreams suck. When you go through changes in your life, you can slowly become used to them during the waking hours. it still sucks, it still hurts, but you're in a conscious position where you can acknowledge the thought, and then push it away. but when you dream, there is nothing you can do about it. you have no power over what you dream, how wonderful/romantic/sweet/uncomplicated the situations are.... then you wake up. not fun.

changes... and not

2008-01-07T17:04:00.000-08:00

today was the first day back to classes. the grind is somewhat similar, but different. I have finally escaped the teacher with no organizational skills and it looks as if my new professors will be phenomenal in their chosen professions. I'm in the care of the Acutely Ill Adult, Nursing Research, and a topics class talking about homeopathic remedies. It should be rather interesting although I'm fairly disappointed that my grandiose idea of taking spanish this quarter didn't pan out.

My best friends have taken off to continue (or start) their adventures in different countries. Gennaya is in Mexico and i'm praying soon starts to love it as much as Argentina, and my beloved "sister" and now cousin Summer, and her new husband Michael have moved to Thailand for a year. I can't wait to hear about all their adventures.

My personal life has been on somewhat of a rollarcoaster, but to simply put it... listen to Relient K's song let it all out...

we're so scared to find out, scared we're going to lose it, but knowing all along it's exactly what we need... you said I know this will hurt, but if I don't break your heart than things will just get worse, if the burden seems to much to bear, remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there...

Hope all is well with everyone else...

love

I am worth it

2007-12-22T00:34:00.001-08:00

I am worth it.

I am worth more than indifference. I'm worth a hug hello and a smile. I'm worth a thank-you. I am worth enjoying. I am worth planning. I shouldn't have to beg and plead.

I am worth it. And from now on (God giving me strength) I will be the woman worthy of these things.

Merry Christmas... Here's a broken heart

2007-12-20T23:53:00.000-08:00

Everyone's leaving and i'm tired. I guess that pretty much is the simplest way that I could explain why I fell apart tonight. I hate falling apart in front of the people that you don't want to see you cry the most, but I hate even more being alone when it happens. Some people need only to be left alone when the world seems to be crashing down... me, all I need is a hug. All I need is an arm around me showing me that I'm not alone in the world. Unfortunately that doesn't always happen. Sometimes I'm alone, sometimes i'm too embarrassed and ashamed to ask for the arm. Oh well.

At what point do you ask yourself if you should be "grinning and bearing it"? My week has been hard. I've had the one friend that I was hoping didn't feel anything for me drop so many hints they could hardly be considered hints anymore. And i've had the one friend that I was praying to all things that are good and holy would notice that I just needed a hug and to know that he cared, just sit to the side. But I guess i'm complaining and only thinking of myself.

One of my best girlfriends made it safely to Hawaii with her *gasp* husband! I'm so happy for them both. It's bittersweet though... I've gained a family member, but no longer with my best friend be mine. She'll always have another that she has to think of first. But I guess that is how it is supposed to be eh?

My other best girlfriend is back from Argentina!!! Of course she's only home for two weeks, but she's home and Malaria free! Aren't we all greatful. It's just unfortunate that she has to leave again.

Everyone is leaving. Maybe i should leave. Maybe I should find a nursing job and disappear to live on my own for a while. How would it be to go find a job in Paris and immerse myself in the culture and the language until I feel French! How would it be to go somewhere where I know no one? Lonely. That's how it would be.

Damnit I hate being a girl. I hate being emotional. I hate being in love with someone that I wait breathlessly to care back. I hate feeling like I've given up everything and am getting nothing back. I hate feeling as if I spend most my time trying to make others happy and then getting accused of being selfish and thinking only of myself. I hate feeling like I should feel sorry for feeling this way, as if somehow it's wrong and my emotions and opinions are innately wrong, that somehow I should buck and and be stronger. I hate waiting. I hate knowing that i could have said one word and been wrapped up with someone that would have savored every moment, but I would have been thinking only of who I wish it was, which is of course what stopped me from saying that one word. I hate seeing that one person and not having the guts to ask for the touch I crave. I hate not being certain that the touch would have been given if asked. I hate hate. I love love. I guess it's time to buck up and move on. Keep smiling, keep waiting, because all he asked for was time, I can give him time. Time i guess is the one last thing that I can give him right now. Time. I'm trying. I hope he knows that, wherever he is. I just hope i'm not trying to hard or too little. All I need is encouragement.

thanks for letting me vent. hopefully next time i'll be back to my usual optimistic self... hopefully.

Three down, One to go

2007-12-11T11:35:00.001-08:00

Well, I just finished my national test. Guess we'll see. It could have been better I suppose. I could have eaten breakfast, I could have gotten some good sleep. I could have felt like being alive, but hopefully it'll all work out anyways.

More later.

...because it's what I do when i'm stressed

2007-12-10T11:44:00.000-08:00

yup, so you'll probably be hearing a bit from me in the next little bit. I just finished my mental health final!!!! And that is exciting because? (you might ask) Well, because that means that I'm almost done seeing Mary everyday!!!! Whoo-hoo!!! I have one more test tomorrow, the NLN, no biggie, just a national test that if i don't pass i'm pretty much screwed, but really, after that I'm done seeing Mary at least having to sit in her classroom for days on end.

And next I have my speech final, which i really should be studying for since, I haven't really studied at all yet. So wish me luck.

Somebody special has a pretty important meeting today. For his sake I hope it goes well.

lovelove

annoyance

2007-12-07T10:29:00.000-08:00

you know... small things annoy me sometime, and that small thing today is that I have loads of fun pictures on my camera... pictures that I"m just dying to share with you all... and yet my cord to hook up to my computer has decided to play permanent hide and seek, and well as of yet I suck at the whole "seeking part" cant find it....

So life is going well... unfortunately because I had to delete my other blog, you have missed out on a couple of blogs that I wrote, but lets just start from now. I had the most wonderful evening last night. Lets just say that it involved dinner, walking around downtown, gingerbread houses, and taking time to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. it was wonderful!

And now, I should really try to convince myself to do some homework... boo, i really don't wanna. here goes.

Sorry for the change...

2007-12-07T10:18:00.001-08:00

Sorry to change on you guys again. I was having e-mail problems... love you all!