I am worth it

I am worth it.

I am worth more than indifference. I'm worth a hug hello and a smile. I'm worth a thank-you. I am worth enjoying. I am worth planning. I shouldn't have to beg and plead.

I am worth it. And from now on (God giving me strength) I will be the woman worthy of these things.

Merry Christmas... Here's a broken heart

Everyone's leaving and i'm tired. I guess that pretty much is the simplest way that I could explain why I fell apart tonight. I hate falling apart in front of the people that you don't want to see you cry the most, but I hate even more being alone when it happens. Some people need only to be left alone when the world seems to be crashing down... me, all I need is a hug. All I need is an arm around me showing me that I'm not alone in the world. Unfortunately that doesn't always happen. Sometimes I'm alone, sometimes i'm too embarrassed and ashamed to ask for the arm. Oh well.

At what point do you ask yourself if you should be "grinning and bearing it"? My week has been hard. I've had the one friend that I was hoping didn't feel anything for me drop so many hints they could hardly be considered hints anymore. And i've had the one friend that I was praying to all things that are good and holy would notice that I just needed a hug and to know that he cared, just sit to the side. But I guess i'm complaining and only thinking of myself.

One of my best girlfriends made it safely to Hawaii with her *gasp* husband! I'm so happy for them both. It's bittersweet though... I've gained a family member, but no longer with my best friend be mine. She'll always have another that she has to think of first. But I guess that is how it is supposed to be eh?

My other best girlfriend is back from Argentina!!! Of course she's only home for two weeks, but she's home and Malaria free! Aren't we all greatful. It's just unfortunate that she has to leave again.

Everyone is leaving. Maybe i should leave. Maybe I should find a nursing job and disappear to live on my own for a while. How would it be to go find a job in Paris and immerse myself in the culture and the language until I feel French! How would it be to go somewhere where I know no one? Lonely. That's how it would be.

Damnit I hate being a girl. I hate being emotional. I hate being in love with someone that I wait breathlessly to care back. I hate feeling like I've given up everything and am getting nothing back. I hate feeling as if I spend most my time trying to make others happy and then getting accused of being selfish and thinking only of myself. I hate feeling like I should feel sorry for feeling this way, as if somehow it's wrong and my emotions and opinions are innately wrong, that somehow I should buck and and be stronger. I hate waiting. I hate knowing that i could have said one word and been wrapped up with someone that would have savored every moment, but I would have been thinking only of who I wish it was, which is of course what stopped me from saying that one word. I hate seeing that one person and not having the guts to ask for the touch I crave. I hate not being certain that the touch would have been given if asked. I hate hate. I love love. I guess it's time to buck up and move on. Keep smiling, keep waiting, because all he asked for was time, I can give him time. Time i guess is the one last thing that I can give him right now. Time. I'm trying. I hope he knows that, wherever he is. I just hope i'm not trying to hard or too little. All I need is encouragement.

thanks for letting me vent. hopefully next time i'll be back to my usual optimistic self... hopefully.

Three down, One to go

Well, I just finished my national test. Guess we'll see. It could have been better I suppose. I could have eaten breakfast, I could have gotten some good sleep. I could have felt like being alive, but hopefully it'll all work out anyways.

More later.

...because it's what I do when i'm stressed

yup, so you'll probably be hearing a bit from me in the next little bit. I just finished my mental health final!!!! And that is exciting because? (you might ask) Well, because that means that I'm almost done seeing Mary everyday!!!! Whoo-hoo!!! I have one more test tomorrow, the NLN, no biggie, just a national test that if i don't pass i'm pretty much screwed, but really, after that I'm done seeing Mary at least having to sit in her classroom for days on end.

And next I have my speech final, which i really should be studying for since, I haven't really studied at all yet. So wish me luck.

Somebody special has a pretty important meeting today. For his sake I hope it goes well.

lovelove

annoyance

you know... small things annoy me sometime, and that small thing today is that I have loads of fun pictures on my camera... pictures that I"m just dying to share with you all... and yet my cord to hook up to my computer has decided to play permanent hide and seek, and well as of yet I suck at the whole "seeking part" cant find it....

So life is going well... unfortunately because I had to delete my other blog, you have missed out on a couple of blogs that I wrote, but lets just start from now. I had the most wonderful evening last night. Lets just say that it involved dinner, walking around downtown, gingerbread houses, and taking time to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. it was wonderful!

And now, I should really try to convince myself to do some homework... boo, i really don't wanna. here goes.

Sorry for the change...

Sorry to change on you guys again. I was having e-mail problems... love you all!