Hopeless Romantic

So... it's true, I'm a hopeless romantic. the unfortunate part is that even when my heart is ripped out, blood still staining the ground that it was trampled on... i still find little things in the day that make my heart flutter.

New guys that aren't afraid to say that they cherish moments that they get to hold hands, and dream about someday meeting their wife - whom they already love. These things make me melt inside... and yet, i wish they wouldn't. I don't have the energy to be hurt anymore right now, and then you hear things like that and it makes you hope that there is some guy out there who will cherish you, WANT to spend time with you, look at you with the expression in his eyes that he doesn't know how he could be so lucky and that he'll never let you go. Just maybe that guy will come along and let me love him, let me show him how full and rich life can be when you have someone by your side ready to be with you through any adventure. But that boy isn't there right now, and reading hopelessly romantically written words are almost like a slap in the face. Oh well... life goes on.

Someone said they wished they hadn't been in love twice, because being in love, and then losing twice is excruciating... it's true... i can attest, although looking back I might say that I was confused once and in love once. The confused, hurt, it was bad, and i learned a lot. The love, wow, that pain is indescribable. I really miss my best friend. I miss hearing the phone ring and automatically knowing he was calling and that he loved me. I've made so many mistakes that I wish i could take back... so many. Most of them to do with the same person. How do i get so out of control of myself? Huh? It seems that at one moment I'm going along just fine, and the next, BOOM, my life is turned around, upside down, and hurting.

You know the part that pisses me off the most though... is that i'm usually not pissed, i'm hurt. I have made a lot of mistakes, but the total doesn't put every tally on my side. And when shit happens that isn't my fault and is directed at me, what do i do? I get hurt. Damnit, the actions that some other people do are plain old shitty and I shouldn't be hurt. They were terrible, i shouldn't be hurt I should be pissed. Why do i let other people walk all over me like that? Why should I just sit back and take it and cry and wish things were different. why can't i have a little self esteem, stand up for myself, and tell the bastard that he's a fucking moron and had no right to do what he did. But of course i would never have the guts to actually confront him. Plus... I would be terrified that if i did confront him i would make him mad, and if he got mad... well the hurt part of my brain says that if i make him mad, he'll never be my friend again, and i miss my friend, he was the best ever... the pissed part of me says i'm better off without that type of friend, and that a friend wouldn't do something like that.

God i hate situations like this. Well anyways... here's a poem I wrote a couple of days ago. It might make some sense...

I've always wanted to be loved
it was all i thought about
every guy was the possible one
but that made me a stranger, even to myself
always trying to mold myself into their girl
never stopping to look inside at the beauty already there
but then i realized that all I needed to do
was look up

when the snow comes down
it's a million love letters to my broken heart
each unique snowflake a different moment
a different way to say i love you
because you know better than anyone
how it can hurt to be a hopeless romantic

i need to learn to let go completely
because you want to show me how to be
the best version of the woman you created
you know what makes my heart flutter
you know the lessons i need to learn
on my own i mess things up horribly
turning what was meant to be beautiful into a car wreck
respecting myself and learning how to be whole
are only things that you can show me
and when i pull away i only break your heart
but when i look up

and when the snow comes down
it's a million love letters to my broken heart
each unique snowflake a different moment
a different way to say i love you
because you know better than anyone
how it can hurt to be a hopeless romantic

when i trust you with absolutely everything
it's scarier than any relationship i've had before
because i always wonder when this new ship
is going to sink, since they have
and having you walk out of my life would be excruciating
but you're the most faithful lover anyone
could ask for. you know every intimate thought
and exactly how to make my knees go weak

and when i look up
and the snow comes down
every sparkle in every flake
is a new perfect moment in our relationship
because you know better than anyone
exactly what to whisper in my ear
telling me that you love how i'm a
hopeless romantic

i blew out all 22

it was an amazing weekend. Hopefully sometime when i'm not so tired that i feel sick, i can write about it. But in the mean time

go listen to Joshua Radin, he's awesome.

oh yeah, and maybe, just maybe i'll get up the nerve to put up my new poetry.

love

Ponderings

How fun would it be to...

• Speak in an Irish accent all the time
• have the time to read a new book every week
• be able to buy all the new cd's you wanted
• be able to blink your eyes and be anywhere
• be able to visit friends that you haven't seen in years, whenever you wanted to
• snap your fingers and make the cat behave
• meet your angel
• have the time to draw and paint
• know how to fix your own surger
• have the time to start your own sewing business
• be able to drop ten pounds at a wink
• only crave healthy foods

I'll think of more later

lovelove

Perfectly Wretched Timing

So i got sick. Granted I found out from my Acute instructor that this was by far the best week of clinicals for me to miss because they are so easy to make up. Bingo, perfect. But i also have to sit and wonder, how it is that people have this innate sense that just when you're feeling like shit and don't really want to talk to anyone, they call. You've finally gotten to the point where you don't think of them every second, and then they call. They just wanted to chat, so they called. Wretched timing.

learning to hate the term "gut wrenching"

So, i was sick at home today, and that meant i had a lot of time on my hands...

try The Cake Sale... it's a compilation of artists from Ireland, and it's really fun to listen to.

Wish me luck on getting better. I have to be in the OR tomorrow, or at least i'm supposed to... but i don't know if my stomach will hold up under the bright lights, and great smell of the cauterized flesh...

In an attempt to become more cultured

You know, i'm a complete book worm and i listen to music almost constantly, but i've come to realize that i'm not very good at venturing out and trying new things. I listen to the same music, and although I do enjoy reading a wide variety of books, I usually stick in the realm of mind candy. I have decided that I should really burst out of my shell a little more. So in an effort to do that, i'm going to try and find new bands that I like, tell you about them, and also read new books that have some value to them and tell you about them as well.

I have recently discovered a guy named Matt Nathanson, his music is very easy to listen to. It's not something that would totally make you stop in your tracks just to hear the end of the song, but it's definitely fun to listen to and you should give it a try.

Another musician that i have stumbled across is a girl named Missy Higgins. I guess some of her music has been played on Grey's Anatomy recently, so you might recognize a song or two, but i definitely think you should give it a try.

As for my literature exploration, i'm going to try and get to the library to pick up the book "Love in the time of cholera". Wish me luck!

Energized!!!

Can I just say that hip-hop dance class totally rocked my socks right off! Its fun, try it some time! Hopefully after going a couple more times I won't feel like such a rag doll...

Alright, peace out!

Money, suprises, and losing your balls

My poor kitten is going to undergo a procedure soon. He will no longer have some of his man parts... poor kid, he doesn't know what he's in for. have you ever looked to see how much these surgeries cost?! Holy crap, they can get really expensive!!! But the even sadder part is that if this surgery doesn't help calm him down a little we're going to have to get rid of him. He's an awesome cat, except that he is starting to tear things apart. So, keep your fingers crossed... I love my kitty!

So i got a rather interesting surprise the other night. I ended up at a house of some friends friends, and ran into an ex in a physical state that i hoped i would never find him in again. oh well, i guess we can only keep praying and hoping.

So dreams suck. When you go through changes in your life, you can slowly become used to them during the waking hours. it still sucks, it still hurts, but you're in a conscious position where you can acknowledge the thought, and then push it away. but when you dream, there is nothing you can do about it. you have no power over what you dream, how wonderful/romantic/sweet/uncomplicated the situations are.... then you wake up. not fun.

changes... and not

today was the first day back to classes. the grind is somewhat similar, but different. I have finally escaped the teacher with no organizational skills and it looks as if my new professors will be phenomenal in their chosen professions. I'm in the care of the Acutely Ill Adult, Nursing Research, and a topics class talking about homeopathic remedies. It should be rather interesting although I'm fairly disappointed that my grandiose idea of taking spanish this quarter didn't pan out.

My best friends have taken off to continue (or start) their adventures in different countries. Gennaya is in Mexico and i'm praying soon starts to love it as much as Argentina, and my beloved "sister" and now cousin Summer, and her new husband Michael have moved to Thailand for a year. I can't wait to hear about all their adventures.

My personal life has been on somewhat of a rollarcoaster, but to simply put it... listen to Relient K's song let it all out...

we're so scared to find out, scared we're going to lose it, but knowing all along it's exactly what we need... you said I know this will hurt, but if I don't break your heart than things will just get worse, if the burden seems to much to bear, remember the end will justify the pain it took to get us there...

Hope all is well with everyone else...

love