Hopeless Romantic

So... it's true, I'm a hopeless romantic. the unfortunate part is that even when my heart is ripped out, blood still staining the ground that it was trampled on... i still find little things in the day that make my heart flutter.

New guys that aren't afraid to say that they cherish moments that they get to hold hands, and dream about someday meeting their wife - whom they already love. These things make me melt inside... and yet, i wish they wouldn't. I don't have the energy to be hurt anymore right now, and then you hear things like that and it makes you hope that there is some guy out there who will cherish you, WANT to spend time with you, look at you with the expression in his eyes that he doesn't know how he could be so lucky and that he'll never let you go. Just maybe that guy will come along and let me love him, let me show him how full and rich life can be when you have someone by your side ready to be with you through any adventure. But that boy isn't there right now, and reading hopelessly romantically written words are almost like a slap in the face. Oh well... life goes on.

Someone said they wished they hadn't been in love twice, because being in love, and then losing twice is excruciating... it's true... i can attest, although looking back I might say that I was confused once and in love once. The confused, hurt, it was bad, and i learned a lot. The love, wow, that pain is indescribable. I really miss my best friend. I miss hearing the phone ring and automatically knowing he was calling and that he loved me. I've made so many mistakes that I wish i could take back... so many. Most of them to do with the same person. How do i get so out of control of myself? Huh? It seems that at one moment I'm going along just fine, and the next, BOOM, my life is turned around, upside down, and hurting.

You know the part that pisses me off the most though... is that i'm usually not pissed, i'm hurt. I have made a lot of mistakes, but the total doesn't put every tally on my side. And when shit happens that isn't my fault and is directed at me, what do i do? I get hurt. Damnit, the actions that some other people do are plain old shitty and I shouldn't be hurt. They were terrible, i shouldn't be hurt I should be pissed. Why do i let other people walk all over me like that? Why should I just sit back and take it and cry and wish things were different. why can't i have a little self esteem, stand up for myself, and tell the bastard that he's a fucking moron and had no right to do what he did. But of course i would never have the guts to actually confront him. Plus... I would be terrified that if i did confront him i would make him mad, and if he got mad... well the hurt part of my brain says that if i make him mad, he'll never be my friend again, and i miss my friend, he was the best ever... the pissed part of me says i'm better off without that type of friend, and that a friend wouldn't do something like that.

God i hate situations like this. Well anyways... here's a poem I wrote a couple of days ago. It might make some sense...

I've always wanted to be loved
it was all i thought about
every guy was the possible one
but that made me a stranger, even to myself
always trying to mold myself into their girl
never stopping to look inside at the beauty already there
but then i realized that all I needed to do
was look up

when the snow comes down
it's a million love letters to my broken heart
each unique snowflake a different moment
a different way to say i love you
because you know better than anyone
how it can hurt to be a hopeless romantic

i need to learn to let go completely
because you want to show me how to be
the best version of the woman you created
you know what makes my heart flutter
you know the lessons i need to learn
on my own i mess things up horribly
turning what was meant to be beautiful into a car wreck
respecting myself and learning how to be whole
are only things that you can show me
and when i pull away i only break your heart
but when i look up

and when the snow comes down
it's a million love letters to my broken heart
each unique snowflake a different moment
a different way to say i love you
because you know better than anyone
how it can hurt to be a hopeless romantic

when i trust you with absolutely everything
it's scarier than any relationship i've had before
because i always wonder when this new ship
is going to sink, since they have
and having you walk out of my life would be excruciating
but you're the most faithful lover anyone
could ask for. you know every intimate thought
and exactly how to make my knees go weak

and when i look up
and the snow comes down
every sparkle in every flake
is a new perfect moment in our relationship
because you know better than anyone
exactly what to whisper in my ear
telling me that you love how i'm a
hopeless romantic